Chaotic Harmony

2024-06-25

I can’t begin to describe what it meant for me to make this. Words simply fail but the whole point of having this page is that I try, so here we go.

Long ago I locked away a part of myself. A part that was used like a tool to shoulder the trauma and bullshit of my earlier years. I thought I didn’t need it anymore, and that it was so flawed that it didn’t deserve love. That -I- didn’t deserve love. I spent 15 years with that part strictly quarantined in my mind. Always shut down when attempting to be heard, or minimized in order to live a normal adult life.

The crazy part is that it worked. I got a decent job, a partner, a great circle of friends. My life was set… But things didn’t feel right. It’s as if everything had a grey wash to it. I was just going through the motions. Existing and producing like the good little cog this machine we call a society designed me to be.

Eventually however, that locked away part reached a breaking point. Looking back at it now the actual life event that triggered this was pretty mundane. But what happened inside shattered my whole world and that deep damaged part of my psyche screamed to be free. The problem was, that I didn’t know how to let him out. But someone new had just the set of lockpicks for the job.

He helped me perform somewhat of a mental jailbreak and my entire perspective on life changed in an instant. The wash of grey was removed, colour was added to the world again, and my creative potential and motivation shot through the roof and into the stars. My priorities shifted to living the life that I authentically NEEDED to live.

I experienced such profound joy. Joy that before this moment I wasn’t sure I was even capable of. Of course, with that came sorrow too. My entire emotional range doubled overnight and navigating this new way of life, healing this part of me, and parsing the chaotic storm of my own creativity is something I will cherish for the rest of my days.

Thank you my wolf, from the bottom of my heart.